


i don’t think i could stand to be where you don’t see me

by beetobie



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda, Sad Ending, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, im so sorry, manga spoilers ch 137, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:21:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29716416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beetobie/pseuds/beetobie
Summary: Freedom,Mikasa thinks.I’m free from this cruel world at last.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Annie Leonhart, Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 15
Kudos: 79





	i don’t think i could stand to be where you don’t see me

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [what am i to you?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29644521) by [aenar_thedragonlady](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aenar_thedragonlady/pseuds/aenar_thedragonlady). 



> mikasa tries to live without everyone. the title is from the song francis forever by mitski, and i feel like it fits mikasa’s character incredibly well.

The world is on fire. 

Hot steam emits from the ground, remnants of what just happened. Titans. Colossal titans, millions of them, trampled the earth, squashing everything in their way.

They had tried to stop the Rumbling, tried fighting against Eren’s wishes. They fought their hardest, executed their plan, and it worked. Zeke was dead. Armin shifted into his own Colossal titan, igniting an explosion to kill Eren.

Eren Yeager. 

The boy who had once swore to kill all the titans, the one who dedicated his heart to humanity, started the Rumbling. He was the boy that Mikasa strove to protect, to love, to help him.

Eren Yeager, the man who started the Rumbling, should’ve died in the explosion.

Mikasa faintly remembers the small looks of hope dotted on each of the other’s faces as they flew away from that hellhole. They had done it. They had prevented the Rumbling to proceed any further.

Except they didn't. 

She remembers the look of horror on their faces when the titans start to move again, and she knew that it mirrored her own.

A Warhammer titan’s arrow struck Falco straight through the throat, and they plummeted towards the ground. Towards hell once again. The cheers from Marleyans and Eldians erupted into screams as the titans got closer. 

She didn't know where Armin or Reiner were. Most likely dead, Reiner from the explosion, and Armin. 

She hoped that Armin survived. He had a small, small chance, but that was all Mikasa had clung to. She hoped that he would survive for her.

Annie gave her a somber look, hands clutching Falco’s titan’s feathers as they descended faster and faster.

“So this is it, I guess.” She had said to Mikasa.

Mikasa looked at her sadly, and she desperately wished they could have been friends. They would have been, perhaps, if not for their dire circumstances.

“Yeah,” she replied. Weakly, she drew her last pair of swords and readied her ODM gear. She was going to fight to the bitter end.

“I’ll see you,” Annie shouts to her when they jump together, one hand nearing her mouth. “in another life.”

“See you, Annie.”

Mikasa was only slightly aware of the carnage around her as she sliced through countless numbers of titans. Their little alliance had fought and fought, and it seemed like they were winning at first, until more titans kept pouring out of everywhere.

They were severely outnumbered, wounded, and weak.

She knew she was done for when her blades snapped. They clinked their way down the Founding titan’s body, and she watched them fall until they were out of sight.

“Mikasa!” Jean cried out her name, and she whipped her head around, spotting him.

He was dangling from the mouth of a jaw titan, body halfway inside. He had held his hand out, reached for her. Using the last bit of her strength, she pivots and makes a beeline straight to him, hand outstretched. 

“Jean!”

Only centimeters away, right before she could grab hold of him, a past cart titan lunged at her from below. It’s jaws clamped down on the side of her body and she cried out in pain, twisting wildly as she felt her skin rip.

“Mikasa!” was the last thing she heard.

It threw her against a bone of Eren’s titan, and she was too weak to catch herself with her gear. She slid down, hand pressed weakly against her side. She heard bells ringing as the rest of her friends died, killed brutally by titans from Eren’s wishes.

Her nightmares.

She thought of Armin, Sasha, and Hange. Levi, Connie, Jean, Annie, Reiner, Gabi, and Falco. They’re all dead, or soon to be. Countless faces flash through her eyes, and she raises her hand towards the sky, eyes hazy.

The pain in her side is too much to bear. 

She grimaces as she closes her eyes.

She gives up.

She stops fighting.

_ Freedom,  _ Mikasa thinks.  _ I’m free from this cruel world at last. _

The last thing she feels is the heat from a blinding light before she slips away.

  
  
  


When she wakes up, the light in her face shines so brightly that she has to look away.

_ Is this what heaven looks like? _

She’s lying on the floor somewhere, and Mikasa presses up onto her elbows. 

_ Maybe she’ll find Armin here. _

Mikasa’s shocked when her side erupts into pain once more, and she looks down at herself, unbelieving.

Her shirt is gone, probably torn away from when she fell, and in its place lies a jacket covering her upper half. She peels it away to reveal that her entire torso is wrapped with bandages. Bandages that shouldn't have been there if she was dead.

The light that was shining down at her came from a window, and by her place on the floor, she could only assume that it was early morning.

_ If she should’ve died,  _ wanted  _ to die, then why was she still here? _

Her head thumps against the floorboards when she realizes the reason why.

“Good to see that you're awake,” Eren says as he pushes up a trapdoor and steps into the room. “I brought breakfast.”

Mikasa is finally aware of her surroundings now. She’s in a small, circular room, with only a couch and an unlit fireplace. She doesn't miss the way Eren drags the couch on top of the trapdoor and takes a seat there, no doubt preventing her from trying to escape.

There’s no use for that, really. Mikasa can barely sit upright on her elbows, body so fatigued, that it’s a wonder she’s even awake right now.

_ Why? _

_ Why her? _

_ Why is she still fucking alive? _

“You should eat some.”

Mikasa chooses not to respond. How could she, when this was the man who murdered all of her friends, although indirectly? A mix of emotions swell inside of her, and she grits her teeth, feeling his eyes on her. She looks to anywhere except him, and she hopes, so desperately hopes, that it hurts him.

She hopes that it hurts him.

She hopes that he withers away with guilt.

“Are you happy?” She coughs, voice raspy. Her throat hurts. “With your new freedom?”

Eren closes his eyes, grimacing.

“Mikasa, you should know the answer to that.”

“Why did you drag me out of hell, even after I had willingly jumped into it, only to throw me back in there again? ” Her voice breaks.

“Mikasa,” Eren says somberly, eyes searching for hers.

She can't bring herself to look at him.

“Eren,” she says softly, voice barely above a whisper.

He leans down to see what she has to say. It’s not enough. Mikasa beckons her finger, and he drops down on his knees.

Her eyes flicker over to his, and all she can see is green.

“I hate you.”

In a flash, she drives her fist into his face, connecting with his cheek. The pain shoots through her hand and he sits back. It’s weak, probably the weakest punch she’s ever thrown in her life, but it still feels good. 

How pathetic of her.

Using her other hand, she grabs the collar of his shirt and uses it as leverage to sit up.

Her body flares up in pain, the sudden movement disrupting her side injury. She visibly winces, and he reaches up a hand to steady her.

Mikasa slaps it away.

“Do you really mean that?” Eren asks her, and Mikasa turns her head away, shutting her eyes. That gives him the answer he’s searching for.

_ Yes.  _ She wants to say. 

Mikasa tries to push the truth away. Push away her love for him, even after he’s hurt her, too many times for her to count. She shouldn't love him.

She doesn't want to love him.

“Where am I?”

Eren stares at her. “Paradis. A tower in the castle.”

“Is…” her voice fails her. 

“You should drink some water,” he says, holding out a glass. 

She accepts it, taking it in her hand and then chucking it at the wall. It breaks, water spilling on the floor, a shard landing on the floor next to her. 

He sighs tiredly.

Mikasa clears her throat, tries again. “Is Historia still alive?”

Eren looks away. “Yes.”

The second question hangs in the air.

“Her baby too,” he adds quietly.

She shuts her eyes. She wants to believe that this is all a hallucination, that in reality, she’s still on the battlefield, bleeding to death. Maybe, if she imagines hard enough, it’ll come true.

Why is it that every time she gives up on fighting, lets herself be left for dead, it’s Eren that forces her to keep going? In Trost, after she had learned of his death, she had given up. Before that, in that little cabin in the woods, she forced herself to fight, to survive. She had driven that knife into the man’s back in order to save both her life, and his too.

Mikasa so desperately wishes that he would just let her give up, just this once.

_ “Fight! If you win, you live, if you lose, you die!” _

_ “Ever since I was a kid, MIkasa. I’ve always hated you.” _

_ “Believe in your own power.” _

_ “You can't win without fighting!” _

_ “The sea. We’re going to see the sea.” _

_ “A giant lake...burning water...land made of ice...snowy fields of sand!” _

Memories of Armin, his smile, his voice, assault Mikasa’s head. She doesn't know when she started to cry, but as her tears flow down her cheeks, dripping onto the wooden floor, her mouth twists into a grimace.

Memories of them in the 104th Cadet Class, laughing and lost in the present, flood through her. Simpler times, unaware of the terrible life they were heading into. Nothing good awaited them in the future. She remembers one specific memory, one of when the three of them were kids. They were running up a hill with a tree, Mikasa chasing Eren, with Armin lagging behind like he always did.

_ I’m sorry, Armin. _ She wants to say, wants to apologize. She could’ve done something.  _ I’m sorry that you were always left behind, and that the two of us left you again. _

The pain of his death finally hits her with an iron fist. It feels like her breath was knocked out of her, and she clutches her knees to her chest, ignoring the burn of her body. Her tears, mixed with grime, blood, and soot leak into her tattered pants.

He’s gone.

Armin, the boy who is her best friend. 

Gone.

Mikasa feels so, so guilty. Why was it that she was the last one standing? Why couldn't have Eren simply left her to die?

Her sobs rack through her body, chest heaving.

Eren doesn't offer words of comfort, he only gazes at her. His own tears have come through, hidden underneath his facade of accepting his reluctant fate.

Mikasa reaches her arm out weakly, to no one, to air.

“Armin,” she croaks.

She feels fingers entwine with hers, but she doesn't have the strength to pull away. So instead, Mikasa grips them tightly, as hard as she can, even though it won't hurt him much. 

Very faintly, she hears cheers from people below her, loud music, and all sorts of festivities. She throws a dirty look at Eren, who only winces, shaking his head. She untangles her fingers from his.

“I didn't want that,” He says, and Mikasa doesn't know if he's talking about their friends’ deaths, or the celebration below.

So is this what her freedom is now? Locked away in a tower, half dead, unable to escape under his scrutiny?

Eren shifts closer to her, and she doesn't push him away.

Hates herself because she never could, only ever tried to get closer to him. Hates herself because she loves him so.

He pulls out a bundle of red cloth, and she recognizes it immediately. Very gently, he uses it to wipe the tears off of her face, and it's disgusting. That scarf should’ve been torn to shreds by now, so why is it still fucking here?

She takes it from him, holding it out to inspect it. It’s frayed at the edges, slightly singed on some sides, and it's tattered and ugly.

“I thought I threw this away,” she mutters.

“I found it again.”

“You went looking for it.”

A sigh from him. “Yeah, I suppose I did.”

And she knows why. Mikasa knew that he needed something to cling to, everyone does, in order to live. She clung to the hope of him for the longest time, fighting because he told her to. Everyone needs a will in order to fight, to survive. Her will in that last fight was her friends.

She had fought, tooth and nail, down to her last blade, for her friends. They wouldn't go down without a fight, they never had, and wouldn't start doing so then.

When she watched all of them die, she had lost that will.

She gave up on her fight, offered herself up freely to death, let herself be taken. Yet, despite all of that, she was still standing, still breathing. Still living.

_ I’ll try to live for you all,  _ she says in her head.

Mikasa grips her scarf tightly, mind racing. 

She’s tired. So, incredibly tired. 

Why? 

Why her?

Her gray eyes fall on the window, shining light to a different angle in the room. The world is so cruel, yet so beautiful. Everything beautiful about it masks that horror that it truly is. 

Mikasa gasps when she sees Armin in the window. He has one hand pressed against the glass, mouthing words that she can't hear. Behind him, she sees all of her friends, some walking towards a place that she can't see. 

Sasha, Connie, and Jean, holding hands as they race towards somewhere. Erwin, and Hange too, both smiling. Captain Levi, standing with two people that she doesn't recognize. He holds the same look on his face, unreadable, but he nods his head at her. The faintest smile curling on his lips.

Countless others as well, all of them headed somewhere that she couldn't see.

Annie is standing off to the side, next to Reiner and Bertolt. She’s holding one hand on her other arm, seemingly giving Mikasa a look, as if to say ‘Is this your next life?’

_ “I'll see you in another life.” _

No. It isn't. 

It’s the same life, the same one from a day ago. Two days? She doesn't know how long it's been.

And Armin is still holding his hand up to the window. Mikasa wants to press her hand up there too, touch him, hold him, see him one last time. He wears a small, soft smile on his lips, face peaceful. Happy, almost. Peaceful. 

Accepting.

The others slowly trudge away, up a hill that she hadn’t seen at first, out of her sight. First Sasha, then Jean, Connie, and everyone she’s ever lost, plus more, that she never knew. Finally, it’s just Armin left, and his eyes are brimming with tears, still smiling that soft small. Mikasa stares, blinks once. He's gone. 

Gone.

She blinks again.  _ Wait for me, _ she thinks, and tears flow down her cheeks once more.  _ Don't leave me, Armin. _

But he’s gone, and Mikasa is reminded of just how alone she is in this cruel world. For years, she’s watched her friends die, watched her  _ parents  _ die, and now, she’s left with the one person she never wanted to see again.

Eren Yeager.

_ Her  _ Eren.

It’s honestly funny how fucked up her world is. Mikasa can't help but think that if they only had more time, maybe she could’ve prevented all of this. If she had just accepted her feelings, read what he was thinking, it could’ve ended a different way. Maybe in the next life, they'll be lovers. 

Unfortunately for them, in their present life, they are only two lost and broken people who somehow keep finding their way back to each other.

It’s hilarious, really.

She meets his eyes again. They are still that beautiful green, only now, they’re fragmented, all shine gone. Cold and empty, and she guesses she can relate. Shattered like glass.

Mikasa sees the pain behind them, the whirling storm of emotions that he bottled up and hid from her. Her shoulders shake, and she doesn't know how much more of this she can take. Eren’s gaze is trained on her, pity written all over his face, and she wants to smack it off. 

It’s his fault that she ever got into this mess.

A laugh erupts from her, and she sinks forward, sliding onto her forearms. 

She keeps laughing, ever so slightly choking on her tears. 

“Is this the freedom you wanted?” She asks in between breaths, throwing Armin’s words back at him.

Eren inhales sharply.

Mikasa laughs even harder when he doesn't respond. She thinks that she’s gone crazy. Years of resolve, hardening her shell so that no one would get in, is cracking. Driven by anger, she grabs the only thing that is near her, a piece of glass that she threw at the wall.

She wrenches herself to her feet, hissing at the searing pain. She rushes towards Eren, vulnerable, on the ground, at her mercy. As she brings the glass down, he looks up at her, eyes blank. She falters.

Their eyes lock yet again, and Mikasa feels like she’s frozen in time.

In the two seconds that had passed, all of her energy was released again. She collapses on her knees, gazing at the window behind Eren. He wraps his arms around her silently, one hand gently taking the piece of glass from her, and Mikasa doesn't resist. 

He slides it behind him, and it spins, once, twice, and then stops.

Her arms drop to her sides limply, and she leans into his hug. If she had any tears left, she would have started sobbing again. But she has none, so she just sits and lets him hold her.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

_ Me too, _ she thinks.

“Mikasa,” he buries his face into her neck. “I’m sorry for everything.”

_ Yeah, me too. _

It was a stupid attempt at fighting. Mikasa doubts that even if she were at full strength, she would have been able to bring the glass down. 

_ What was the point of fighting, anyways? _

She doesn't know the answer to that question. 

_ Everyone that I love is dead. _

Eren Yeager.

_ Does he count? _

Does he?

Eren pulls away from her, and she watches as he wipes the tears from his face. He reaches for the plate of breakfast that he brought for her, now cold. 

“You should really eat some, Mikasa.”

Mikasa remembers all of the times that she had said the exact words to him, a time when they were younger. Much younger. Happier, as well, oblivious to their terrible future.

She takes the fork from him, sticking it into a few pieces of scrambled eggs, then raising to her mouth. Hides her face of disgust when it turns out to be cold. She’s always hated cold food that was supposed to be warm.

Mikasa eats slowly, gaze somewhere out the window. It’s only blue skies out there, no sign of any hills or other buildings. She wonders how high up they are in this tower.

_ “Goodbye, Eren.”  _ Armin’s last words ring through her head.

_ Goodbye. _

Goodbye.

She can see the ghost of Armin’s smile right outside that window.

Something inside of her snaps. Like a match dropped onto gas, her senses awaken, and she feels alive. Just like when she was 10 years old in that little cabin in the woods, her body begins to tingle. She hears everything, sees everything.

Eren seems to notice the change in her as well, and he narrows his eyes before asking: “What’s wrong, Mikasa?”

Her grey eyes snap to his. Regarding him with a blank expression, she feels an overwhelming feeling of sorrow. For him. For Armin. For everyone.

Hesitating, she grips the fork in her hand tightly. “I’m sorry, Eren.”

“Wha-?”

He starts to ask before Mikasa drives the fork directly into his face, plunging it deep into his left eye. He screams in pain, hands flying to cup his face. She winces, but her body moves before she can tell it to stop. As if she’s possessed, her other hand, which is clutching her scarf, brings it to his head. Eren manages to rip out the fork with a guttural scream, blood squirting everywhere.

“Mikasa!”

Quicker than he can react, she wraps the scarf around his eyes, knotting it tightly behind his head, effectively turning it into a blindfold. 

She has to move fast.

Kicking him to the ground, she pushes herself onto her feet. Mikasa has activated that weird, Ackerman instinct thing that Captain Levi told her about. Her body is running on pure adrenaline, the rush of it blocking out any pain. 

His hands scrabble wildly at her scarf.

_ I’m sorry, _

Mikasa sprints full speed at the window, arms coming up to brace around her head.

_ That I have to leave you like this, _

She grits her teeth as she throws her shoulder against the glass.

_ But,  _

The window shatters, and she topples out of the tower, glass raining down with her.

_ I just can't stand living any longer. _

Mikasa barely hears his cry over the sounds of bells ringing in her ears. She closes her eyes, feeling like she’s floating.

A smile tugs at her lips.

_ I’m coming, Armin. Wait up for me. _

She lets herself fall, the wind whipping her hair wildly, blood flowing upward from when her bandages were caught on the glass shards of the window. Her arms are outstretched.

“Goodbye, Eren.” 

**Author's Note:**

> tysm for reading!! this fic was heavily inspired by “what am i to you?” by aenar_thedragonlady. i fell in love with the idea of mikasa being the last person standing, and please check out her fic!


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